Five years ago, I wrote two pieces that captured my restlessness at the time, If I Leave This City and If I Stay In This City. These two short writings reflected a phase where I was not fully sure whether to stay, yet not quite ready to go back.

Now, five years later, I am still here.

Not because this city has become more comfortable, but because I realized that at that time I was not done. There were things I wanted to understand, and it turned out I needed more time than I expected.

Jakarta remains the same. Crowded, noisy, and fast paced. But over time, I began to get used to it. Not because everything got easier, but because I learned to live without constantly questioning.

Many things happened over the past five years, some of which I have summarized in this writing, M. Aspi Yuwanda in 5 Years: The Weight I Carry: Life, Love, and Fatherhood. It is a kind of recap about how time has changed my perspective on work, life, and myself.

I started to understand that staying is not just about strength. Sometimes it is because things are not finished, or because it is simply not the right time to move on. So I keep going, even though the direction and purpose are not always clear.

This city taught me that not everything has to be answered immediately. Some questions need to be left for a while, to be understood calmly, slowly, and in time.

I cannot say that I have become part of this city. But I also do not feel completely like an outsider. My days go on normally. Working, coming home, sometimes meeting friends. Not always crowded, but enough.

I used to think home was about a place. Now I believe home is closer to a feeling. And so far, this city gives enough room for that.

Have I ever wanted to go home. Yes. But I also know that if going home is only because of tiredness, maybe it is not the right time. I want that when I go home later, it is because things are truly finished here.

If asked whether I regret choosing to stay, not really. Because from all the things that might not have met my expectations, I still learned a lot. About myself, about time, and about moving slowly in a place I initially did not know.

And I know my home is slowly taking shape. There is a life partner who accompanies me, and a little child who is my daily encouragement. Their presence makes me feel that I have found a place to return to, not just physically, but in a deeper sense.

However, I also realize that there is another call I have to answer. Going home does not mean giving up, but finishing what is unfinished. There are many things I need to do there, in the place where I was raised, in the community that shaped me. I want to serve, to give back, and perhaps to find the part of myself that was lost all this time.

Jakarta, April 24 2025

Aspi Yuwanda