Eventually, I returned to college.

Not just to chase a degree, but because now I carry a different sense of direction. A new purpose that slowly grew out of a long period of stillness. One semester has already passed since I started again. It still feels awkward at times, but slowly, I'm getting used to it.

I’ve met new friends, from places I’ve only heard of through maps or news. Unlike my previous college experience—where most classmates came from the same province—this time, my class is filled with people from all over the country. One of my classmates is even from Atambua, a small city near the border of Timor-Leste. It’s been refreshing to hear stories from lives so different, yet somehow we’re now learning the same things, in the same space.

After a year of not touching textbooks—not even glancing at them—getting back into the rhythm of studying was stiff and unfamiliar. My brain felt rusty. But I’m trying to stay focused. Slowly reopening books, reading through notes, and rebuilding a study routine. Some days feel heavy, some moments feel forced, but I know this is part of the process—toward something more complete.

In general, my daily rhythm hasn’t changed much. I still go to bed late and wake up near noon. But now, there are weekly assignments to submit. Every three months, I travel to Jakarta to attend offline classes. I usually stay there for two to three weeks. Classes happen on Saturdays and Sundays, and by the third week, it’s exam time.

Outside of class, to be honest, it gets boring. The days at the rented room often feel empty when there's no class scheduled. Not much to do other than play games—or occasionally explore interesting places in Jakarta. Sometimes I walk to a nearby city park, sit at a small café, or hop on a train to visit parts of the city I’ve never seen before. It’s not always exciting, but it’s enough to make each day feel a little different. At least I know I’m moving, trying, and experiencing something new.

For now, I’m not placing too much weight on my shoulders. I just want to get through the next semester with sincerity—without sacrificing the little things that help keep me grounded.

Maybe this is what it looks like: going back to school, but in a calmer way. No rush, no pressure to compare. I know this won’t be the end of my doubts—but at least now, I have something to walk toward. And for now, that’s enough.

Bangkinang, January 6 2017

Aspi Yuwanda